Almost

V,

This last one took a lot of time (well compared with the first three) before being written. Before I am writing once again. Which brings me to my point: why have I not written another shortly, and why write now?

There are actually a lot of reasons why I am writing. And a lot of views I could think of. Also, a thousand ways to express each of them. And I am near the point of forgetting, of drowning in these countless ideas and statements on my head. So I might as well get started. And fast.

Why is it that when I decide to let go of the seemingly impossible, when I do the hardest of them all (well, the presently hardest), things suddenly change and fall out of hand. Either I am totally convinced that my choice is now irrelevant and irrational, or I am totally sold with thinking how to react at the sudden change of things first. Things are nearing their balance. Things are almost in control. Then, they go out of control.

Like, when I was gonna tell you something serious and of utmost importance, you just moved in the middle of nowhere. When I was supposed to repress and wear a mask, the idea of writing you letters instead came up. And when I was about to write straight from the point, following my own advice from my last letter, things just become pointless, so there's no point to go from, or to go to. Just like that. Just in instant, things change. Things get pretty out of hand. As if they are playing a game on me.

Why now? Why ever? Why not this? Why not sooner?

I know I haven't really told anything personal, or different, or serious, or straight from our conversations and my letter. Ever. I just haven't. And right now, I feel like slipping one out. I actually, as I've mentioned, planned to focus on saying something actual here. But typical of me, I haven't mentioned a thing.

As has been, I've always almost said a thing. Then I took it to another direction, and it's impossible to ever come back to the point of reversing that almost.

Why am I ever writing letters? Why am I not being rather direct? Why am I voicing out my thoughts out loud (in ink, or what have you) here?

I could have slipped a couple of times here, actually. As you may have noticed, I keep coming to a point of climax, of bursting it out, but then I take it back.

Maybe, I am playing a game. And perhaps, life is playing one on me, too. We're equals, thus you can say. We're playing the same game, suffering and enjoying the same results. Equal? Almost.

Because when you expect the most, we just take you to a point where you want more.