Expectations

V,

That was a lot of questions. Should I say, I expected them. Well, a lot of them, just as I expect you'll reply after my third letter for you. There are actually a lot of expectations I have in mind. I'm getting sidetracked again. Hhh.

People expect a lot, people have a lot of others whom to expect from and a lot of things to expect. Expectations.

Just as I've already planned how to write this fourth one, hours ago, when I've read your reply. But I will abandon that plan now, and tread another path. A new form. I wouldn't be surprised if you've expected this.

I write because I express myself well when nobody is around. I expect no one to understand me. Where am I going?

I do not know. I can not tell, not because I do not want, but because I do not really know. I do not even know what to expect. And here's one that perhaps I am writing to show that I am not really writing, and not really expecting straight answers from you. Just writing, plainly writing. No sublimes, no limitations, no expectations. I would have liked to leave it at that.

And for the first time, I will. I will.

v Questions

If I told you to shut up, would you? Would you do so because I said so, or because you were offended? Or would you do otherwise because I told you so and you wanted to prove that statement to be offensive? Or would you simply not do as I've told for no apparent reason?

If I told that I wanted to talk to you, would you do so, too? Would you because you have to listen or do you want to listen? Or would you do so because you have no other choice? Because I am your friend? Or am I? Would you because you have something to tell, something to say? Or would you want to just react? Maybe argue? What would you have expected to hear? Should I start? But the more important question is, would I ask this, these questions?

I've received 3 letters from you. Plus, we've talked about a lot of things. And here's my first reply, well not exactly. I impose questions more than answers. I asked in return to your questions, instead of answering. But I offer that you take a second look at things, perhaps at little things you have the chance to do and those that you don't.

One last question: why? I know you'll understand that. I will wait for your reply.

Replying,
v

Names

Dear Vince,

Hello again. It's my second letter today, but this one is about something I've always wanted to ask you. Which I suddenly remembered.

Why is your name Vincent? Is there any history or story to that? Well come to think of it, you seldom speak about yourself, about your family, or anything concerning you.

You see, I have long wanted the name Vincent since I was little. Mark Vincent John actually. Yeah, I know, pretty long. It was because of Ghost Fighter's Vincent. I wanted that character, and his name sounded cool to me.

Names. They say they determine a lot about a person, even in terms of names shaping and influencing his personality and identity.

Why is the sun called as such? Or the earth, earth? Would it have mattered if we called it some other name or even if it was supposed to be earth? The earth rises and sets. Would we get used to those? The way we are with them in the present? The way I always attribute Vince with you?

In naming, we create. We do not just define based or etymology for we give it a name. As if we own it. Yet some may give it another, evident in languages, a thousand of them. Is it supposed to be a tool? To identify?

Perhaps I already know your name. And I know that'd be a key to me knowing you, more than what your name tells, or about its story, but about the person, who I may give a name different from what he was given, and meaning differently than if it would have been used my others, even on you. Friend.

Generalizations

Dear Vince,

Today is starting rather early, but still alone. If only you did not leave, I would be found hanging around your place. That would have been swell. But I guess I couldn't do anything about that. I'll focus on other things.

It is difficult being accepted. Or perhaps that is just on my head, a thought I always put into mind. Maybe that is an isolated case, just my case. And here I am again, setting myself away from others. Out of reach. Untouchable.

It is difficult expressing, or again only maybe so I think. I make easy things complex, complicated. That has got to be the simplest I could mention about it, or it would take more than 10 more sentences explaining how and why and what have you. It's tempting to do so, so I'll cut it.

Overall, life couldn't be generalized by statements and exclusive words. It is not supposed to be. One moment it's partly this and that, another moment and only this remains while a new one comes. It is just like that, as I guess it should be. I've long tried to do otherwise, and it has all been to my disappointment.

What am I saying? Well, I am worried how the community you're now living in is receiving you. Are they treating you well? I know you sort of am familiar with their language, but still, it is another culture, another world. Perhaps you could update about your conditions there. I will be waiting.

Don't worry, I am doing fine and I am adjusting. And I invoke the term, 'I can manage.'

//Once again, it isn't that straight-forward, but this one's easier to get. Form plus content. Know how that translates here.

Trust

Dear Vince,

Today has been rough. And yes, this is actually my first letter to you. But I figure people wouldn't understand why I am writing now so just hide or dispose of my letters (yes, I'll be sending more soon) after you've read them.

So as I've started, today has been rough. But I'll focus on trust issues I've encountered. Is it hard to trust someone? Is it hard to trust me? Well I could say I do not fully trust others, in that I still have secrets of my own, but I do trust them. At least far more than I do other people, much more than a stranger or acquaintance. Why do I trust them that much? Well, I take a gamble, or more specifically a calculated risk. Probability still plays within the situation, but I choose to risk saying the things I would have in secret be told. In one way, it is my way of expressing. I express when I trust, I trust therefore I express. For someone as I, either is hard to do, and doing either entails doing the other, and doing either is hard and takes a lot of courage and calculations.

I do know that I couldn't control the other part of the equation. Should one trust me, it is his (or her, but will be using generic term elsewhere) decision. Although I could invoke my trust for him, it is still his decision after all. Each is entitled to do things his way.

I do not know if you've mentioned about your leaving the country for good to me, or if we've agreed not to talk about that matter. So I am confused if you do not trust me so as not to tell, or if you are just doing as agreed. I do not trust my emotions saying it is the former.

On a note, I do not know if writing here, in this medium, would entail that I am violating someone else's trust (although I have thought of that and have included no details, just concepts, here).

But then, today is still not over. For now. And I will just let the day pass, before saying my last words for it. There is still much time left.

PS. This isn't what you think it is. Calculated, weighed, derived. Three words.

Greeting good night,

an nun knee moose