January 23 2013

Vince,

I know I should not be bothering you again, but I have no one else to bother. Apparently, I have already bothered them. They have already been bothered, and I have to give credit to myself for doing that.

Or should I? I mean, it gets boring when you appreciate yourself for doing something you always end up doing, right? It is like appreciating yourself because you are able to remember breathing.

But being the sarcastic person I no more am, I have to say all I have so far written is, well guess what, sarcastic. And having resolved to no more be, I say that in a not sublime but rather in a straight forward sense.

For the past days of 2013, I have been trying to be mirror-like, reflecting what I really want to say similarly with what I actually say or do. And it has been viewed not with appreciation, or so I think.

For the past 3 months or so, I have chosen not to be the jerk I was told I am (and I accept being called that). Not anymore. Not to be the ***** who would rather think of himself. Or at least who would rather think of other genuinely than I would of myself.

No, I do not want the credit. I do not want to boast of that. Perhaps I just do not want to be seen or perceived doing the exact opposite thing. As if to say, "I am not doing the opposite, not that you acknowledge I am doing it, but just do not say I am doing the opposite."

What point do I want to get across? None exactly. As I've initially told, I do not have any outlet. No more. I have shut myself again, and I am pretty sure it will eventually show up as my fault. It would be connected to my perfectionist attitude again -- with people around me automatically having the bar of perfection with which they could judge me. Besides, I have rightfully used that same degree on them. And this last paragraph, again I say, I have written not without sarcasm. But with some truth, and bitterness.

I no more care. I will just do my thing. As much as it hurts. I no more care. I have no image to preserve, as I am already as badass as I could get.

I am not perfect, but yes striving for perfection. That does not give you the right to EXPECT me to be perfect. That doesn't give me an excuse either, to be the badass, self-centered ***** you know I am. But then, I am striving for perfection, and that is what the world sees as my biggest fault.